Grimdark isn’t a genre, it’s one franchise and that franchise happens to be a spin-off of another franchise. My experience with Warhammer and 40,000 [40k] comes directly from two hours in June 2012 when Warhammer 40k Space Marine was added to the fledging service known as PlayStation Plus. I, clearly, hadn’t played Gears of War at that time given the fact I had purchase a subscription service for a console that did not need a subscription to play online; however, that brief afternoon lives rent free in my head.

I’ve been thinking about the thrumming omnipresence that is 40k. The constant release of miniatures, rulebooks, campaigns, and modifiers. It’s a struggle to consider jumping in. Compound this with the loss of irony in 40k’s fascism and the death of satirical fascism in general, this franchise is a tough sell. There’s been at least 40 different 40k videogames released in the last 10 years from PC to console to mobile, not to mention brand deals like PowerWash Simulator. This franchise is massive, held up by small indie studios and yet, I’ve seen this before.

Consider the early 2000s: a time of video rentals, online forums, digital piracy, and Tony Hawk’s Pro-Skater. The videogame home console market was here to stay and in the third dimension to boot! Carrying the tradition of ‘90s television and movie tie-in videogames, the 2000s didn’t slow down. There were bangers like Peter Jackson’s King Kong, Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-Earth, Eragon, The Incredibles: Rise of the Underminer, and The Simpsons: Hit & Run. But, of course, some real stinkers like Cat in the Hat (Mike Myers tie-in), A Series of Unfortunate Events (Jim Carrey tie-in), Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures, Fairly Oddparents: Breakin’ Da Rules, and SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom (all versions, idgaf. I’ll fight!)

2000s tie-in games, whether well put together or on a tight budget, had different gameplay systems pulling from ARPG, platformer, RTS, racing, beat-em-ups, sandbox, party games, turn-based RPG, FPS, and genuinely more than I have the brainpower to type up. Though all these games were developed by different studios, they all have one thing in common: licensed properties.

The licensed game, as it pertains to film and TV show tie-ins, fell by the wayside in the early 2010s to make way for mobile apps like The Simpsons: Tapped Out, Marvel Contest of Champions, DC: Dark Legion, and Jurassic World Alive. Honestly, just charge for a skin in Fortnite and it’s instant profit. Who knew Goku was from some little known franchise called Dragon Ball?? Next you’re gonna pitch me on something called Journey to the West.

All this preamble to say, Boltgun is a 40k FPS. Shootas, Blood & Teef is a run-n-gun. Rogue Trader is a CRPG. Speed Freeks is vehicular combat. Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters is tactics. Dakka Squadron: flight sim. Horus Heresy Legions: card game. Inquisitor Martyr: ARPG. And of course, the ever famous Dawn of War III, is an RTS. Each of these games is of varying quality and style, yet each one is tied together within the shared license of 40k. Each game was developed by different studios, and many make other games outside of the 40k universe. The same can be said about the many developers of television and film tie-in videogames of the 2000s.

Rest in peace tie-in videogames; long live the tie-ins lying in the grim darkness of the far future.

There’s very little to say about Arkane’s Redfall that hasn’t already been said. Rather than retread old ground and operate in bad faith, I have a theory about Redfall I’ve been sitting on since 2023.

Up-front, I actually sort of enjoyed Redfall when I played it in 2024. All the patches were out and the dust had settled, there was no expectation. The game was short and to the point, nothing too unique but there was some essence of the proverbial sauce unrealized in the finished product. Back when the game was coming out, though, I noticed something strange. The vast majority of the achievements were not divisible by 5.

As a huge trophy and achievement enjoyer, I’m always cautious to keep my Xbox Gamerscore (GS) divisible by 5. It’s a sticking point in achievement hunting communities when a game has achievements ending in anything but a 5 or a 10. Yet, some games revel in having strangely valued achievements. But I’ve always wondered if developers choose to have non-0/5 Gamerscore to drive engagement. In the case of Redfall, I think this may be the case.

Here is the breakdown of all 66 achievements in Redfall:

• 20 achievements with a value of 17 Gamerscore totaling 340 GS

• 8 achievements with a value of 35 Gamerscore totaling 280 GS

• 38 achievements with a value of 10 Gamerscore totaling 380 GS

These values when added equal 1000 GS, a fairly standard value for a base game. Here’s some additional math that tell me these values were purposefully skewed to drive engagement without changing the total amount of achievements.

First, let’s remove 2 GS from the 20 achievements previously valued at 17 Gamerscore

• 20 achievements with a value of 15 Gamerscore totaling 300 GS

• 8 achievements with a value of 35 Gamerscore totaling 280 GS

• 38 achievements with a value of 10 Gamerscore totaling 380 GS

These values equal 960 GS. What to do with the residual 40 GS? Let’s divide these evenly into the 8 achievements already valued at 35 Gamerscore since 40 divided by 8 is a neat and tidy 5.

• 20 achievements with a value of 15 Gamerscore totaling 300 GS

• 8 achievements with a value of 40 Gamerscore totaling 320 GS

• 38 achievements with a value of 10 Gamerscore totaling 380 GS

The math checks out! These values equal 1000 GS again. By redistributing the Gamerscore, the entire Redfall achievement list could have been divisible by 5. My gut tells me achievements and trophies are one of the last things completed in development. I ran this by a game dev friend of mine and, in her experience, she corroborated my gut feeling. While I don’t have any interviews, research, or evidence that these achievements were completed towards the end of Redfall’s development cycle, I firmly believe making the achievements not divisible by 5 was an engagement tactic. I think the achievements were completed as outlined in my second example and it was a explicit decision to create the 17 GS spread.

To be clear, I do not believe Arkane or ANY other company sets out to make a bad game; however, the achievement list tells me the team may have known the game would launch poorly.

As the great Alien Bob once said, there’s no such thing as a bad game.

The excitement to consume a whole order of 4k DK buttocks haunted my brain so deeply I, and many others, commiserated about the great peach [no relation to any princess]. In my 33 hours spent staring at those lovely buns, I wanted nothing more than to sing high praise for the return of 3D DK platformers and, yet, I can’t help but feel void; I’m full of potassium but no pudding.

The game’s hook is respectable: the player is Donkey Kong, DK wants bananas. The bananas were stolen by an evil mining company and DK must team up with child Pauline to escape the planet’s interior, return Pauline home, and eat as many bananas as possible. Along the way the duo powers up ranging from micro-upgrades like quicker digging to terrain-blasting abilities that shape the world at the press of a button.

Bananza’s maps are a triumph of over 30 years of 3D platformers, pulling from designs like the Forbidden Jungle from Jak and Daxter; Hailfire Peaks in Banjo-Tooie; Hurricos in Spyro 2; Super Mario Sunshine’s sunny Gelato Beach; and the horrific Meat Circus from Psychonauts. Each map is carefully crafted with both backtracking and close sweeping in mind. The player can take their sweet time and comb every inch or push through to the next level and come back with stronger skills and builds to better find collectibles.

Donkey Kong Bananza is as much a sequel to Super Mario Odyssey as it is to Super Mario 64. Each banana collectible is tracked and, when found, gives the player the name of the objective completed to unlock said banana. Rather than having to re-enter a painting or graffiti to find more bananas, the player picks up right where they got the last one and is ready to go on the hunt for more bunches. The player can scan through walls using DK’s sonar to find silhouettes of collectibles or the player can destroy the surrounding area to unlock random chests potentially containing maps to the collectibles in each level, saved for convenience.

For having well over one-thousand collectibles, I was left wanting deeper mobility and world interaction. The game has three dedicated punch buttons: punch up, punch straight, punch down. From there the player can rip chunks off the ground and either swing within the aforementioned directions, use the chunk to double jump, or Breath of the Wild-style shield surf with the chunk. Each unique transformation unlocks new ways to move but the gameplay loop is punch-and-jump, with little variety.1

I optimized the fun out of Donkey Kong Bananza. By playing games consistently for nearly 30 years, I understand how to compartmentalize an expansive game. Instead of finding joy in exploring every nook and cranny on a first visit, I knew coming back after unlocking new synergies would allow me to optimally play the game. I found every collectible in a clear and orderly fashion, using systems in the game to grind out the locations and then complete a collection rather than see what could be hidden just inside a hill. The urge to “complete” and “succeed” rather than “play” and “explore” meant I injected a soulless 100% into a game that offers much more if one can approach the content with fresh eyes. Donkey Kong’s ass was thiccer than ever, but my heart only saw a checklist.

In the end, my excitement for DK’s luscious glutes was not satisfied. Though I enjoyed the flair, levels, pacing, and style of Donkey Kong Bananza, I’m too driven by mechanics to really enjoy the entire package. The cheeks were brilliant, the 100% was healthy, yet I wasn’t full of wonder or joy throughout the whole game. I like my Switch, Too™ yet I question when I’m going to have that brain-blasting Nintendo moment.

The real Donkey Kong Bananza I was looking for was probably Super Mario Odyssey in the first place.2

X-treme sports games and licensed music: a pair as iconic as the tracks in Grand Theft Auto, FIFA, and Forza Horizon. The Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 release contains 22 of the 25 tracks from the original two games’ US release and 37 additional tracks! Rocking out to “Superman” while hitting that gnarly 900 on Downhill Jam never felt nor looked so good. With the recent news of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 only containing 10 of the original 471 tracks, there’s some outrage surrounding the missing tracks2. It doesn’t matter if your favorite track isn’t in THPS 3+4. You have Spotify.

I know it’s inconvenient

to boot up a brand new game where there was tons of money tossed into licensed music you don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You have Spotify.

It’s really hard to

step outside your comfort zone with fresh music. Why listen to something new when “Be Good Johnny” by Men at Work still sounds so nice? Why try out 100gecs’ “Hollywood Baby” when you could just play Madonna’s “Material Girl”? You don’t have to! You have Spotify.

I really wanted

to listen to my favorite licensed tracks from the original releases while still playing the new game. You can. You don’t even need a soundbar. You need a headset and a way to play the game. You can mix the audio any way you’d like. You have Spotify.

I wish there were

more tracks I was familiar with added to THPS3+4 remake. You can listen to the music you want the way you want. You have Spotify.

But I actually

don’t have Spotify. This is a non-issue. You have Apple Music. You have Amazon Music. You have Napster. You have iheartradio. You have YouTube. You have free Spotify. You have piracy.

I want to play the

original version of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 how I remember it. You can. You have emulation.

When you’re hitting that frosty stuff, alone is fine but together is better. While I wait for my next payday so I can re-up, I decided to look through my contacts and see who I want to share this final fantastic hit of last fortnight’s haul.

The Cooper Gang

I love sharing my stash these guys but the problem is they always hit the piece and then want to go out and do some huge activity like, “break out our fellow crew from death row” or “figure out what the hell happened with our movie deal”. Cool stuff but I just want to vibe.

Link

Here’s the deal: I like smoking with Link because he always has some story about saving some person’s chickens or traveling through a perilous mountain pass to get a hammer. The problem with Link, though, is once he comes up he’s liable to take a nap and summon a gigantic fish OR he’ll bring

The Four Sword

If Link decides to bring the Four Sword then my bowl is GONE faster than you can say, “hey wait a minute are you guys the same person or are you different people who merge into one when you sheathe the sword? Hey, stop it, you can’t just escape to your Gameboy when I’m trying to talk to you”. But I respect the hustle of getting eight lungs full of smoke and then collapsing into one entity to bring on the biggest high you’ve ever seen.

Bobby Jenkins

Bobby is swell. He’s really passionate about science and loves thrill-seeking but he’s stuck in the 90s. I don’t really want to listen to Sublime while I smoke this bowl.

Lester Knight Chaykin

Much like Bobby, Lester is brilliant. I’ll try to get Lester for this bowl but I know he’s more into the psychedelic stuff. Last time we were together he told me about a trip he took to an alien planet. This guy watches too many Sword and Sorcery films.

Blackguard Big Boggart

I should smoke with him more often! Not only is he always down for a hit but he brings boiled prawn and crab to satisfy the munchies! Shellfish, in THIS economy?? I’ll never tarnish this relationship.

The King and the Prince

They’re a package deal! I can’t emotionally handle the King of all Cosmos by Himself but without his dad, the Prince of all Cosmos is a menace. The Prince is liable to stick up everything in my space and blow it up like that’s a thing normal people do. A fun rip, to be sure, but the wrong vibe.

Rosalina

All right so Rosalina is pretty high on my smork list. She always brings some galaxy brain discussions to the table. However, I’m going to forgo calling up Rosalina at this time because she doesn’t just want to smoke weed. She usually adds a little star/angel dust to the bowl and I’m not looking to meet the Great Luma today.

Harvest Goddess

My favorite Friend of Mineral Town! I would love to call up Harvest Goddess and share this bowl with Her but the issue is my weed isn’t “good enough” and She would prefer to use “sustainably sourced pipes” like conch shell. I respect Her desire to always smoke Back to Nature, though.

Pauline

Would’ve LOVED to share this bowl with Pauline. She was tragically found dead in Miami while on her Donk Me Up duet tour with Sabrina Carpenter. We really have to do something about this problem.

Patapon Tribe

Pack-a-pack-a-pack-a-BONG

Pauly

Forget it, I’m calling up Pauly.

I love all my other friends but when I want to smoke and free skate in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 Venice Beach while listening to Honeymoon by Lana del Rey, Pauly is ALWAYS down. Is it cannibalism if Pauly smokes weed? I’m not here to pass value judgements on his genetic make-up. He’s been through so much already, what’s a few hits anyhow.

While I wait for Pauly to roll up, I’m going to hit my dab pen with Blinbus.

Donkey Kong always made me feel different. He’s not svelte like Luigi but he’s not exactly thiccc like Wario. Peach is a princess but Donkey Kong’s is built for clapping.

In anticipation for 4k Donkey Kong cheeks in Donkey Kong Bananza, here are the top ten Donkey Kong asses:

#10: Donkey Kong (Arcade, 1981)

When it comes to Dumpy Kong, you gotta start at the beginning. This fella only has profile shots of his butt and yet you can’t help but see pure greatness in his future. Nice curvature and clean angles. A solid start.

#9: Punch-Out!! (Wii, 2009)

Donkey Kong is integral to the Punch-Out!! series and he presents his MASSIVE dumper after a TKO. Can you tie in boxing because Little Mac would be down for the count after seeing this PEACH.

#8: Donkey Kong Country (SNES, 1994)

Donkey Kong’s claymation-lookin’ booty spinning every time you jump! That beautiful buttocks can land on me ANY DAY.

#7: Mario Kart 64 (N64, 1996)

Follow me and I won’t disappoint you further. Though his ass may be obscured by what appears to be exhaust, may I be as bold as to say his derrière is emitting the lovely fumes? ImagineDragonsRadioactiveInhale.mp3

#6: Mario Party 4 (GameCube, 2002)

Not only do we get to witness the Dumpy in beautiful 480p but a direct comparison with other booty hopefuls. Waluigi got the worst of the bunch. Disgraceful, really.

#5: Donkey Kong 64 (N64, 1999)

Does he have a Starman fit? Maybe. But those cheeks are OUT OF THIS WORLD. Well defined and in-your-face crevasse.

#4: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (Film, 2023)

Seth Rogan’s ass has never looked SO GOOD. Throw that caboose back anytime, baby! People paid $1.361 billion for that experience.

#3: Super MarioMon (GBA ROM hack, 2025)

If the Pokémon Company wanted to LITERALLY print money they would just create this game. I wish I was that banana.

#2: Donkey Kong Country (TV, 1997)

This guy KNOWS his ass is clappable. He really said, “wait one moment, let me savor the ocean while you savor my hindquarters”. This is the only reason to buy a VR headset.

#1: Donkey Kong Country Nintendo Player’s Guide (Strategy guide, 1994)

The most important ass in all of history. No other cheeks come close to the magnificence of Donkey Kong’s chunky buns. Round, plump, juicy, the sweetest peach I’ve ever seen. Boldly printed on mass produced paper, ready to be shared with all your friends. Why play one of the best SNES games ever created when you can get lost in the sultry inky goodness of the strongest ass.

With orbs like these, who needs Funky Mode!