I ate Donkey Kong's Whole Ass

and I'm left wanting.

The excitement to consume a whole order of 4k DK buttocks haunted my brain so deeply I, and many others, commiserated about the great peach [no relation to any princess]. In my 33 hours spent staring at those lovely buns, I wanted nothing more than to sing high praise for the return of 3D DK platformers and, yet, I can’t help but feel void; I’m full of potassium but no pudding.

DK Pogging. Image by Ferg, Innit.

The game’s hook is respectable: the player is Donkey Kong, DK wants bananas. The bananas were stolen by an evil mining company and DK must team up with child Pauline to escape the planet’s interior, return Pauline home, and eat as many bananas as possible. Along the way the duo powers up ranging from micro-upgrades like quicker digging to terrain-blasting abilities that shape the world at the press of a button.

DK Enamored with Banana. Image by Ferg, Innit.

Bananza’s maps are a triumph of over 30 years of 3D platformers, pulling from designs like the Forbidden Jungle from Jak and Daxter; Hailfire Peaks in Banjo-Tooie; Hurricos in Spyro 2; Super Mario Sunshine’s sunny Gelato Beach; and the horrific Meat Circus from Psychonauts. Each map is carefully crafted with both backtracking and close sweeping in mind. The player can take their sweet time and comb every inch or push through to the next level and come back with stronger skills and builds to better find collectibles.

Cool Level Slices. Image by Ferg, Innit.

Donkey Kong Bananza is as much a sequel to Super Mario Odyssey as it is to Super Mario 64. Each banana collectible is tracked and, when found, gives the player the name of the objective completed to unlock said banana. Rather than having to re-enter a painting or graffiti to find more bananas, the player picks up right where they got the last one and is ready to go on the hunt for more bunches. The player can scan through walls using DK’s sonar to find silhouettes of collectibles or the player can destroy the surrounding area to unlock random chests potentially containing maps to the collectibles in each level, saved for convenience.

For having well over one-thousand collectibles, I was left wanting deeper mobility and world interaction. The game has three dedicated punch buttons: punch up, punch straight, punch down. From there the player can rip chunks off the ground and either swing within the aforementioned directions, use the chunk to double jump, or Breath of the Wild-style shield surf with the chunk. Each unique transformation unlocks new ways to move but the gameplay loop is punch-and-jump, with little variety.¹

Checklists. Image by Ferg, Innit.

I optimized the fun out of Donkey Kong Bananza. By playing games consistently for nearly 30 years, I understand how to compartmentalize an expansive game. Instead of finding joy in exploring every nook and cranny on a first visit, I knew coming back after unlocking new synergies would allow me to optimally play the game. I found every collectible in a clear and orderly fashion, using systems in the game to grind out the locations and then complete a collection rather than see what could be hidden just inside a hill. The urge to “complete” and “succeed” rather than “play” and “explore” meant I injected a soulless 100% into a game that offers much more if one can approach the content with fresh eyes. Donkey Kong’s ass was thiccer than ever, but my heart only saw a checklist.

In the end, my excitement for DK’s luscious glutes was not satisfied. Though I enjoyed the flair, levels, pacing, and style of Donkey Kong Bananza, I’m too driven by mechanics to really enjoy the entire package. The cheeks were brilliant, the 100% was healthy, yet I wasn’t full of wonder or joy throughout the whole game. I like my Switch, Too™ yet I question when I’m going to have that brain-blasting Nintendo moment.

The real Donkey Kong Bananza I was looking for was probably Super Mario Odyssey in the first place.²

1. While there is actually some pretty sick nasty speed run tech, it’s just that: relegated to speed running. I wish Donkey Kong Bananza had something mechanically brutal like Odyssey’s Darker Side of the Moon or Super Mario 3D World’s Champion’s Road.

2. I’ve yet to play Super Mario Odyssey in any extant way. A friend gave me a copy, saying he had an extra and didn’t know why. Whether ill-gotten or forgotten [not an accusation, just a musing], I’ll take a free Nintendo first-party game. I always make it to the second map and quit for a year because I’ll look at the power moon list and my brain will melt. I’m so used to playing 3D Mario games with 100% world completion in mind Odyssey’s fills me with dread.