I want to eat Donkey Kong's Whole Ass

and I'm going to be very weird about it.

Image from Nintendo of America’s YouTube video, “Donkey Kong Bananza – Nintendo Direct | Nintendo Switch 2”

Donkey Kong always made me feel different. He’s not svelte like Luigi but he’s not exactly thiccc like Wario. Peach is a princess but Donkey Kong’s is built for clapping.

In anticipation for 4k Donkey Kong cheeks in Donkey Kong Bananza, here are the top ten Donkey Kong asses:

#10: Donkey Kong (Arcade, 1981)

Sprite sheet from Mario Universe

When it comes to Dumpy Kong, you gotta start at the beginning. This fella only has profile shots of his butt and yet you can’t help but see pure greatness in his future. Nice curvature and clean angles. A solid start.

#9: Punch-Out!! (Wii, 2009)

Image from Nolan414’s YouTube video, “[World Record] Punch-Out!! (Wii) - Donkey Kong (0:52.68)”

Donkey Kong is integral to the Punch-Out!! series and he presents his MASSIVE dumper after a TKO. Can you tie in boxing because Little Mac would be down for the count after seeing this PEACH.

#8: Donkey Kong Country (SNES, 1994)

Sprite sheet from Sprite-Resources

Donkey Kong’s claymation-lookin’ booty spinning every time you jump! That beautiful buttocks can land on me ANY DAY.

#7: Mario Kart 64 (N64, 1996)

Image from Nintendo Central’s YouTube video “Mario Kart 64 - Mushroom Cup 150cc (DK Gameplay)”

Follow me and I won’t disappoint you further. Though his ass may be obscured by what appears to be exhaust, may I be as bold as to say his derrière is emitting the lovely fumes? ImagineDragonsRadioactiveInhale.mp3

#6: Mario Party 4 (GameCube, 2002)

Image from JustZeta’s YouTube video, “Mario Party 4 - Donkey Kong vs Peach vs Daisy vs Waluigi - Goomba's Greedy Gala”

Not only do we get to witness the Dumpy in beautiful 480p but a direct comparison with other booty hopefuls. Waluigi got the worst of the bunch. Disgraceful, really.

#5: Donkey Kong 64 (N64, 1999)

Image from Ryu’s YouTube video, “First Time EVER Playing Donkey Kong 64!”

Does he have a Starman fit? Maybe. But those cheeks are OUT OF THIS WORLD. Well defined and in-your-face crevasse.

#4: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (Film, 2023)

Image from Popcorn Pick’s YouTube video, “Mario Vs Donkey Kong Fight | The Super Mario Bros. Movie”

Seth Rogan’s ass has never looked SO GOOD. Throw that caboose back anytime, baby! People paid $1.361 billion for that experience.

#3: Super MarioMon (GBA ROM hack, 2025)

Image from Ray Narvaez Jr’s YouTube video, “April 2025 Top Twitch Clips”

If the Pokémon Company wanted to LITERALLY print money they would just create this game. I wish I was that banana.

#2: Donkey Kong Country (TV, 1997)

Image from the opening title sequence of Donkey Kong Country

This guy KNOWS his ass is clappable. He really said, “wait one moment, let me savor the ocean while you savor my hindquarters”. This is the only reason to buy a VR headset.

#1: Donkey Kong Country Nintendo Player’s Guide (Strategy guide, 1994)

Image by Ferg of the official player’s guide

The most important ass in all of history. No other cheeks come close to the magnificence of Donkey Kong’s chunky buns. Round, plump, juicy, the sweetest peach I’ve ever seen. Boldly printed on mass produced paper, ready to be shared with all your friends. Why play one of the best SNES games ever created when you can get lost in the sultry inky goodness of the strongest ass.

With orbs like these, who needs Funky Mode!

Image from the Donkey Kong subreddit post, “Very hard”